When to Tell Your Child About Their Autism Diagnosis

From the moment a child is born, parents often find themselves navigating uncharted waters. For many families, a diagnosis of autism can add multiple layers of complexity to autism parenting, particularly if they have no previous personal experience of neurodivergence. In Asia, where cultural attitudes towards autism can vary, explaining your child’s autism diagnosis to them is a deeply personal journey, involving essential conversations that can shape their understanding of themselves and their place in the world.

Although experts agree there is no universally “perfect” approach, parents can arm themselves with well-thought-out strategies and insights to make these discussions empowering, relatable, and compassionate.

Prepare Yourself for the Conversation

Before having the conversation, Dr. Amber Perymon-Evans, clinical child psychologist and executive director of The Children’s Institute of Hong Kong in Wong Chuk Hang, says that parents need to have accepted their child’s diagnosis.

They can prepare themselves by talking to their child’s psychologist, learning about the condition, meeting other families with autistic children, and using other parents as a support and resource. By understanding what the condition means, parents can also equip themselves with the information they need to answer any questions and help them explain the diagnosis to their child in a way that is relevant to them.

“The discussion has to be comfortable, confident, and positive, and this won’t happen if parents are feeling worried, angry, or upset or are in denial,” says Perymon-Evans. “It signals to the child there’s something wrong with them and will make them feel their autism is affecting their parents in a bad way. Make the language and the conversation very empowering – that’s the bottom line.”

Why Early Autism Disclosure Matters for Families in Asia

Perymon-Evans believes in telling children about their diagnosis as early as possible. Denying their autism won’t make it go away, nor will the attitude that it is a stage a child will grow out of. Three and four-year-olds, she says, can usually sense something doesn’t feel quite right with them, but they typically can’t figure out why they have issues that other people don’t seem to have.

Explain to them why, in certain situations, they might feel overwhelmed or upset, for example, and what it might be about. By acknowledging an autism diagnosis and what it means from a young age, neurodivergent children will become equipped with the tools and knowledge they need to handle a neurotypical world.

From Perymon-Evans’ point of view, the younger the child, the bigger the impact she can have on that life.

The Downsides of Not Telling Your Child About Their Autism Diagnosis

Parents who don’t tell their children, explains Perymon-Evans, often don’t tell anyone about the diagnosis because they fear the stigma. They don’t want their child to be labelled or for other people to look at them differently because of the word.

“Autism is not a dirty word. Some families think their children will be picked on if they’ve got an autistic diagnosis, but these children aren’t ‘the norm,’ so even without a diagnosis, they will probably be bullied anyway – even more so if they don’t receive any direction or information ahead of time about how to behave in social situations,” says Perymon-Evans. “A diagnosis will offer that child more grace and empathy because they will have an understanding that they otherwise won’t get.”

Not sharing that information also puts autistic children at a disadvantage because they can’t explain what is going on internally. As Perymon-Evans explains, it is often helpful to frame your child’s differences as part of what makes them unique.

When explaining your child’s diagnosis to family and friends, let them know that your autistic child is not misbehaving but is overwhelmed because they don’t know how to process something in their brain properly. Stress that being neurodivergent isn’t something they will grow out of – it will always be part of who they are and that’s OK.

To normalise differences, share stories of other famous individuals with autism, such as scientists or artists, to help children understand that they are not alone in their experiences. Perymon-Evans suggests making a scrapbook of a famous autistic person your child is interested in, reinforcing the “can-do” attitude.

As autistic children hit preteens and teenage years, focus on self-advocacy by helping them understand their strengths as well as the challenges they may come up against so they can advocate for themselves in various settings, such as school or social situations.

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